Most people that know me find that I am happy majority of my life sometimes to the point of being obnoxious. It hasn’t always been that way though. I went through a bout of deep depression in college that stemmed from a series of tragedies that brought about unhealthy relationships and the inability to truly love myself. I was making poor choices and putting myself in situations that were deterring my walk with not only God but my interaction with other people. I was pulling farther and farther into myself and not fully grasping that something bigger was trying to pull that-the real Lindsay, the authentic Lindsay-out of me.

Early in my freshman year of college, my best friend’s dad was killed in a car accident and it shook me to the core. It turned my heart to mush. Not long after that, one of my good friends was killed in a car accident as well and it hurt like I thought nothing else could. And not even a month later, two football players at my college were killed in a car accident driving back to school late at night. It literally numbed me. A friend of mine and I sang at the memorial service and I felt nothing. The entire college was there as well as the parents of both the boys. There was emotion flowing through that chapel that I had spent every Tuesday morning in. And I felt nothing…absolutely nothing. No sadness, nothing. After that, I started to feel drawn to things that I had never felt drawn to before.

It really felt like I was being pulled along by a string like one of those wooden pull toys. I had no control over where I was going and no control over what was happening in my world. Others were completely running my life and I was okay with it. I even had to withdraw from college for a semester because of it and moved back home When I went back to school, I fell right back into the same trap that I had been in before. Those same people were waiting there to drag me down again.

I was working at a church but I never felt farther away from the Lord. And it had nothing to do with the church, it was amazing. It had everything to do with the fact that other people were determining what I wanted out of MY life. I was drinking to the point that I would forget about things that had happened throughout the night and after a night of horrible choices, I decided it was time for a change. I had alienated friends, given into “frenemies,” quit my sorority because I knew that my choices weren’t living up to their standards, gave up my position at the church and moved back home once again.

I was helping out with the youth department at the church that I grew up in and able to love on my family when I wanted to and everything was great. Then reality set in again when my friend Jennifer was killed in a car accident. My heart was broken, and I felt like I was going to be right back at that place again and it scared me. Her parents asked me to sing at the funeral and I was beyond honored.

It was THE moment…you know THE moment that defines who you are in your faith? THE moment when you feel like you are right where you need to be in Him? THE moment when He picks you up and tells you to “shake it off?” THE moment that’s not just A moment?

From that day, I felt closer to the Lord. Seeing those people hurting but truly realizing that God had Jen in His hands finally brought back that flood of emotions. And with it, I got back my relationship with the Lord. He gave me that back and I will be forever grateful. I regret it took those circumstances for me to finally get back to where I always belonged. After that, I met some friends that have me forever changed. I started going to church because I truly WANTED to and I am hooked on Him. I have no need for things that used to satisfy so long ago. He is my everything and I want people to know and I feel like more and more these days it comes out in my happiness and in my increasing joy for life that I’m certain comes only from the Lord.

Sometimes words fail me when I tell my story about how I really “found” God. I think back to the days when I didn’t know who I was in God, and who I was in relation to my attitude toward others and my absolute disregard for others and I can’t help but thank Him for every single blessing that He’s given me and how He’s completely flipped my world upside down.